Quiet crisis

Did your Thanksgiving feast yesterday include pumpkin pie?

If the answer is no, it may not have been the result of poor menu planning. Your host or hostess may have been the victim of…

The Great Pumpkin Crisis of 2009

The what, you say?

The Great Pumpkin Crisis…the quietest food crisis since the Great Waffle Shortage just a few weeks ago.

Apparently heavy rains in Morton, Illinois — the Pumpkin Capital of the United States — depleted its pumpkin crop, and since Morton supplies Libby with 85 percent of its pumpkin, pie shells around the country were empty yesterday.

Who knew?

Not too many people, as it turns out. Like waffles, pumpkin is not a food stuff that incites screams of panic and outrage when it goes missing. No doubt yesterday cooks replaced the pie filling with sweet potato or pecan on their Turkey Day menu.

If there had been a beer shortage — well, let’s just say the football games might have been canceled.

But pumpkin?

I’m guessing only Linus cried…alone, in the pumpkin patch.

Hot air

Happy Thanksgiving!

As long as I can remember, the Macy’s Parade has been a big part of my holiday morning.  The floats, the marching bands, and the balloons — Snoopy is still my favorite — were the sights and sounds that woke me up and provided the soundtrack for our family’s holiday preparations.

Now that I live in Manhattan’s Upper West Side — one block from the parade route and just around the corner from the Museum of Natural History where they inflate the balloons — the Macy’s Parade has gone from television spectacle to neighborhood block party.

From mid-day Wednesday until Thursday afternoon, throngs of people — including a celebrity or two — invade my block to witness the festivities.

My favorite Turkey Day celebrity encounter to date?

On my second year in New York, Rory and I took an early walk in Central Park on Thanksgiving — but not quite early enough, as it turned out.  We got ‘caught’ on the park side of Central Park West in the gathering crowd, and I couldn’t cross the street without police escort.

As I stood there waiting, Rory in my arms so he wouldn’t get trampled, a boy’s hand reached over to pet him on the head.

“Your dog is cute,” his quiet voice said.

As I turned to say thank you, I realized the hand and voice belonged to Michael Cera of “Arrested Development,” “Superbad,” and “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist.”

He and I chatted for a few moments about typical dog topics (breed, age, name) until his mom told him it was time to meet the producer from NBC.  He never introduced himself, and I never acknowledged who he was.

We were just two people hanging out, talking puppy dogs, at the Turkey Day block party in the ‘hood.

Ginger snap

Last Friday, while I was recovering from my midnight movie sojourn, redheads around the country were being attacked as the result of a Facebook posting that declared November 20th “Kick a Ginger Day.”

Believed to be inspired by an episode of “South Park” on Comedy Central, the posting brought some serious hurt down upon students with red hair in Los Angeles and Vancouver who were kicked repeatedly as they walked down the halls.

I have never felt so left out of anything in my life.

I have red hair.  I’ve been a natural red head for almost 10 years now, and last Friday, I was out and about in the neighborhood in plain sight several times….but no attacks.  Not even a suspicious following by someone with a lead pipe or tree branch.

Do these “Ginger Day” celebrants discriminate against people who have to buy their hair color?  That seems hardly fair.  It’s still red.  Or are they such cowards they only pick on small children?  Scared of what will happen when an adult ginger opens a big can of whoop ass on you, huh?

Well, you should be.  Fake hair color or not, red heads are a force to be reckoned with, and should never be ignored.

Especially now that we have our own holiday.

I object

Why do I have to be wrong for you to be right?

I’ll tell you why.  At our core, we are all judgers.  That’s judgers, judgers, judgers.

From the first moment we see someone — whether in person, in a photo, or in a Youtube video — we dissect their looks, voice, dress and actions, and in a matter of seconds, decide whether they are worthy of our time.

It’s a wonder we have any friends at all.

Now, obviously, there are some people who pass our test. The men featured in the 2009 Sexiest Man Alive issue of People magazine were judged exceptionally attractive by a national panel of editors.  There has also been an obsessive frenzy surrounding the stars of the “Twilight” movie franchise. Those actors have been judged worthy of their fans’ time, attention and somewhat scary mania.

But probably most fascinating to me is how quick people are to judge other people who like something that they don’t.

The “Twilight” movies are a great example. The fans of this franchise have been practically demonized by those who haven’t read the books or seen the movies.  The Comments page of this week’s New York magazine was brutal.  One reader said of the Twilight moms: “Their poor children, and their poor husbands! I wish they’d get some perspective and see how sad they really look.”

Wow.  There’s some judging going on there.

Why can’t people just be different?  Or think differently?  Or, god forbid, like different things?

Why do they have to be inherently wrong?

We say ‘live and let live,’ but as a society, we don’t practice what we preach.  What we really mean to say is,  ‘let me live the way I want, and you live my way, too…’cause if you live or think differently or enjoy different things, that’s wrong.’

Now, “Twilight” isn’t the most important issue in the world — believe me, I know.  But it’s also not the most deadly, god-awful, dangerous book ever written.  Teenage girls and their families are exposed to more controversial things on episodes of “Gossip Girl” — can you say three-way? — so I find it interesting that people are trash-talking a very old-fashioned romance with vampires.

If you don’t like the series, that’s fine.  That’s your choice. But other people liking it isn’t wrong…it’s simply their choice.

So, stop your judging.  That’s right.  I’m looking at you.  Judger.

That’s judger, judger, judger.

Food fight!

On Sundays, I’ve noticed that my friends’ status updates on Facebook are often dedicated to their favorite football teams.

Karen and Jason are all about the Steelers.  Lisa, Andrea and Jennifer often mention the Pats.  My friend Woody — not his real name — bemoans Baltimore’s latest attempt.  And I have several other friends who chat up their fantasy football leagues (but I won’t go there again).

I pictured them in my mind last night, poised in front of their TV sets at home or in a bar, enthralled with the big game…as I too was held spellbound by the head-to-head competition on…

The Next Iron Chef!!!

Isn’t it amazing that me, a woman who doesn’t really cook, and doesn’t really want to learn to cook, loves to watch other people cook in all ways, shapes and forms?  And if that cooking is set up as a competition, all the better.

Cake baking competition?  I’m there.  Thanksgiving dinner cook off?  Set the DVR (and I don’t even like turkey).  The best chefs in New York City going head-to-head?  Sign me up, sister.

Watching professional chefs do their thing — and lose their cool doing it — is awesome.  Their skills are amazing, but it’s even more entertaining to observe them revert into children in the height of the competition.  They cheat.  They cry.  They miss their mommas.

It’s just like professional football, really.  Deep down, they’re all big kids, running around getting paid to play.

But in Iron Chef, the concessions are way better.

One note

Has a mere fortnight passed since I praised the writers of “Saturday Night Live” — and musical/guest host Taylor Swift — for a very, very funny show?

Seems so long ago now.

They followed that stellar evening with the hosting tragedy of January Jones from “Mad Men.”  Funny — she and Taylor are both tall, beautiful blondes, but wow — the comparisons end there.  January couldn’t tell a joke, keep a straight face, play different characters — hell, even read a cue card.

Some people are born to play supporting roles.

On a more positive note, our friend Jason Sudeikis was in pretty much every sketch…so good for him.

Last night’s show had tremendous potential in the guest hosting turn of Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  His most recent movie was the oh-so-wonderful anti-romantic comedy “500 Days of Summer,” but he has been equally brilliant in darker indie films like “Brick” and “Mysterious Skin.”

Joe had a much better show overall, but SNL fell into one of its old habits, which kept Joe’s show from being a Taylor Swift uber-success:  they found out that he could sing — something we haven’t seen him do much on TV or film — and they had him sing the entire show.

Uhh….why?

Joe singing his monologue was surprising and funny.  But then Joe played a Latin American singer in the next game show sketch…and sang.  Then Joe played singer Jason Mraz in a talk show sketch — and sang.  Then Joe played a cruise ship singer — and sang  — in a Thanksgiving dinner sketch.

We get it.  Joe can sing.  But is that all you guys got?

Taylor Swift is a singer, but she only sang her monologue and one other “greatest hits” commercial spoof.  Joe, the film actor, sang more than Taylor Swift, the CMA Entertainer of the Year.  And I’m including her musical numbers.

I’m surprised they didn’t have Joe sing something during Weekend Update. (Don’t worry, guys — you can use that idea on your next show.

Bow out

I don’t watch Oprah.  Never have.

So, I wasn’t aware she had announced plans yesterday to cease production of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” at the end of 2010 until a friend mentioned it later in the day.

Did you realize “The Oprah Winfrey Show” has been on the air for almost 25 years?  Twenty-five years…it seems like only yesterday she took her Chicago show national.  And now she is calling it quits because — as she told the audience — ” it feels right spiritually.”

I respect her for quitting while she’s still on top.  I think the best ones do.  Look at Johnny Carson.  He left “The Tonight Show” and quietly returned to private life.

Or Tom Brokaw.  He left NBC Nightly News in Brian Williams’ capable hands and has gone on to write books and host a special now and then.  He is not as invisible as Carson was, but he has left the day-to-day consciousness of the viewing audience.

But is Oprah really leaving?  Rumor has it she’s shutting down her daily talk show to start a new network where she plans to launch yet another talk show. That doesn’t exactly sound like she’s leaving daytime television.  And it certainly makes a mockery of the tearful speech she gave to her studio audience on Friday.

Oprah’s situation sounds a bit familiar, too.  What is it…oh yeah!  Jay Leno.  He supposedly left “The Tonight Show” to heir apparent Conan O’Brien.  And then three months later — BAM! — he pops up 90 minutes earlier doing a pretty darn similar show, Monday through Friday, on the very same network.  Too bad it sucks.

Why can’t these people simply leave?  Don’t they realize by coming back and doing lame copies of their original work they risk destroying their earlier legacy?

Everyone loves an audience, guys, but be careful — yours may turn on you.

New “New Moon”

Roger Ebert hated it.

The New York Times dismissed it as the “big tease that turns into the long goodbye.”  (Gotta love the wordplay.)

And rottentomatoes.com ranked it 29% rotten.

Good work, “Twilight Saga: New Moon.”   You are even less popular with critics than your predecessor, “Twilight,” which more or less confused journalists last fall, scoring 49% on the freshometer.  (Edward actually glamoured the ones that hated it.  Fact.)

Of course, “New Moon” wasn’t filmed, edited and released in less than a year to please the critics.  It was rushed to theatres to capitalize on the pre-teen, teen and cougar crazies who were screaming for more. (I realize I fall within this group, although my self-awareness makes me a shade less scary).

But while I loved the “Twilight” movie and subsequently read all the books, I hated the “New Moon” book.  I know many of my friends felt the same.  Hated that Edward left after just a chapter or two.  Labored through all the werewolf crap ’cause, seriously –  Where the hell was Edward? Of course, I perked up at the end of the book, but if I had encountered Stephenie Meyer on the street at that point, we would have had words.

Director Chris Weitz of “New Moon” knew fans like me were out there, too.  So he made a film that’s better than the book.  No mistake — he stuck to the story more religiously than even the “Twilight” movie did, but his visual interpretation is more satisfying than Meyer’s original text.

How often does that happen?

Now, granted, I saw the movie at midnight at a theatre in my Upper West Side neighborhood, so you might think I’m a tad giddy.  I was worried about staying awake or being coherent.  But when 500 other people are watching a movie with you, and they are just as stoked as you are to be there, it makes for a great movie-going experience.

I had a blast.  I loved the movie.  Story aside, the cinematography, effects and makeup are head-and-shoulders above the original.  It’s just a beautiful movie to watch.

Oh — and Edward doesn’t suck either.

Well, he does.  But, he doesn’t.

People bites

Just yesterday, my friend Dan commented on how quiet I had been about the rapidly approaching premiere of “Twilight Saga: New Moon.”  (It’s midnight tonight, in case you’re wondering.)

I took this as a big compliment.  As an avid Twi-hard, I know I tend to chat up this particular franchise to anyone who displays even an iota of interest (i.e., breathes air), so I have tried not to belabor the topic here.

But today, guys, I gotta let loose…because an injustice of such magnitude has occurred, it cannot be ignored:

Robert Pattinson was not named People Magazine’s 2009 Sexiest Man Alive.

What the — wha?!??!

This is one year that pretty much everyone — and I mean everyone, not just Twi-hards — knew that Robert Pattinson had Sexiest Man Alive sewn up.  There was no real competition — that is, if you were looking at things from a topical, trend-driven, male, SEXY point of view.

And somehow the editors of  People still managed to screw it up.

Johnny Depp?  Gorgeous, yes.  He was Sexiest Man Alive back in 2003.  But this year?  Why this year?  His movie “Public Enemies” kinda tanked at the box office.  He did shoot “Alice in Wonderland” — which comes out in 2010 — but, seriously, which is sexier:  a vampire or the Mad Hatter?  Oh, and don’t forget the voice work he did for “Spongebob Squarepants” — wow, that’s hot.

Now, some would argue that naming Robert Pattinson Sexiest Man Alive this week would make it appear that People was part of the whole “Twilight” movie promotion machine.  A fine point.  Their magazine might get lost amongst all the other covers with RPatz right now.

But that’s thinking like a corporation.  You should publish for your audience.  And let me ask you, People Magazine — who would your readers say is the 2009 Sexiest Man Alive?  Johnny Depp because he needs a media bump before his new movie hits?  Or Robert Pattinson because he has dominated the imagination of movie goers for the past year?

I think we all know the answer.  And not giving the title to the most deserving man – that really sucks.

Pun intended.

List lust

“Top 10 Celebrity Break-Ups We Secretly Cheered”

“Top 10 Banned Books”

“Top 10 Ways to Stimulate the Economy”

“Top 10 Chick Flicks for Guys”

“Top 10 Ways to Survive the Flu”

What is it about Top 10 lists? David Letterman made them funny, and the Internet has made them ubiquitous.

It seems like every website — whether it be news, sports, weather, celebrity gossip, or travel tips — utilizes Top 10 lists to create quick content that draws clicks. And it works…when the copy is short and snappy, and the photos are telling.  Heck, when I see a Top 10 list, I usually hit that link (especially if celebrity fashion disasters are involved).

And now there’s a website where the most popular online Top 10 lists are all gathered together — toptenz.net.  No more surfing all over the Internet to find Top 10 lists — I mean, really, who has the  time?  And toptenz.net has some real doozies on it.  My current favorite?  “Top 10 Two-Headed Animals.”  (How do you get to the top of that list?  Wear the best hat?  Aspire for a third head?  Bi-zarre.)

What is the weirdest/funniest/whackiest/sweetest/wrongest Top 10 list you’ve found online?  Post the link here as a comment.  Share the wealth!  Share the joy!

We’ll create our own Top 10 Top 10 lists…’cause that’s what the Internet really needs.